EDITORIAL:
National Pharmacy Associations Announce Historic Merger!
In a press conference today the CEOs and Presidents of 300 national pharmacy associations made the stunning announcement that they had agreed to merge their organizations. The momentum for this historic decision actually started two weeks ago, although some would contend that the determination on the part of some pharmacists to communicate and work more closely together has existed since the founding of the Philadelphia College of Pharmacy in 1821. However, it was just two weeks ago on St. Patrick's Day that the executives of each of the 300 national pharmacy associations decided to celebrate the accomplishments of their individual organizations during the past year. Very unexpectedly, each association selected the same Washington, DC-area Irish pub at which to hold its celebration. As one executive subsequently observed, "It is a good thing that this gathering was not planned or some paranoid leader would raise the possibility that it would be in violation of antitrust law."
Although the pub was large, it was inevitable that, with individuals from 300 organizations gathered, some comments of pharmacists in other associations would be overheard (but not via eavesdropping). Some reports indicate that executives from a few organizations even intentionally spoke with their peers in some other organizations. The mingling, sharing, and celebration escalated, and rather quickly there was a growing recognition that the accomplishments being celebrated by most of the individual organizations were very similar. Perhaps even more surprising was the recognition that most of the organizations had the same concerns and challenges.
At midnight a brief intermission was taken to permit several of the executives to check the parking lot to be sure that their limousines had not turned into pumpkins. Then the conversation and celebrating resumed and it wasn't long thereafter that a retired CEO of the largest pharmacy association, Don Snag (he asked that his real name not be used), took a microphone and stood on a keg and declared, "We all seem to be celebrating similar accomplishments, and so many of our organizations have the same concerns and challenges. Could we not achieve even greater accomplishments and be more productive as well as efficient in advancing the interests of our individual organizations and those of our entire and beloved profession if we were to combine our expertise, leadership, resources, and commitment within a single strong organization?"
There was silence, but only for several seconds. And then, there was wild applause and accolades such as, "Brilliant!," "Genius!," "Eloquent!," "Don for President!, and "King Donald II." One leader declared, "This is such a great idea that we should proceed immediately in determining the mission, structure, and leadership of the new organization." Others quickly agreed, and the wisdom and clarity of the recommendations were so apparent that consensus and agreement were reached in a matter of hours. One CEO noted that he was so certain that his membership would consider these actions so important and progressive, that he could speak on their behalf and not even request a vote of the officers, delegates, and members of that association. Others concurred.
Another participant subsequently recalled that the discussions progressed so well and so rapidly that, "The issue on which the most time was spent was the name of the new unified organization. After all, with 300 organizations most of the pertinent words, names, and abbreviations were already in use." The name, The United Pharmacists of America, seemed different enough from the names of existing organizations that it was quickly embraced, although one participant thought he had seen a similar designation in some obscure pharmacy publication. Some additional consideration was given to whether the abbreviation for the new organization should be UPOA or TUPOA. However, this question was quickly resolved in favor of UPOA when one pharmacy leader recalled that TUPOA was already used by the Tupperware Organizations of America.
The excitement regarding the importance of the decisions that had been reached was at such a level that some wanted to immediately announce them to their members and to the public. However, one leader cautioned that an immediate announcement might raise a question as to whether the decisions might have been influenced by the consumption of Irish beverages. It was further suggested that the credibility of and support for the decisions would be greater if it was thought that the deliberations, consensus, and plans had been developed over a period of two weeks rather than a day. Accordingly a 2-week embargo was placed on the press release and announcement.
HAPA
Conspicious by its absence from the accidental convening of individuals from 300 national pharmacy organizations was the Hungarian-American Pharmacists Association (HAPA) which was established exactly one year ago to the day. Contact was made with Suzy Rosa Rassuh, CEOPVPSTSP, the chief executive officer, president, vice-president, secretary, treasurer, and spokesperson of HAPA. She responded that HAPA was at a Hungarian pub rather than an Irish pub. She also noted that the ambitious expectations for HAPA had fallen short and that membership was still in the single digits and fell short of the minimum of 25 pharmacists to qualify as a national pharmacy association. She further explained that when the announcement of the establishment of HAPA was made last year, the other national pharmacy associations were so concerned that they would lose members to the new organization that they actively recruited Hungarian-American pharmacists by waiving their membership fee and providing them with leased Porsches. "Our membership signing bonus of a Hungarian stallion can't compete with the Porsche benefit," Suzy noted, "but we feel that the establishment of HAPA has contributed to the sequence of events that have resulted in today's merger announcement."
Because HAPA was considered to be the 300th national pharmacy association when it was established in 2017, Suzy was asked if the announced merger did actually involve 300 associations or only 299. She responded that 300 was probably an appropriate figure because it has been rumored that a National Conference of Pharmaceutical Organizations (NCPO) has been recently formed. She doesn't really know anything about it and said that, if it does actually exist, it would be interesting to have a contest among the nation's pharmacists to see if anyone could correctly identify the member organizations. "However, it doesn't really matter whether there are 299, 300, or 301 organizations," Suzy continued. "It is the formation of UPOA that is so exciting and important. HAPA is strongly supportive and will be an active participant."
And then I woke up
I awakened with a recurring melody in my mind. What is that tune? And then I remembered:
Last night I had the strangest dream
I'd ever had before;
I dreamed the world had all agreed
To put an end to war.
I dreamed I saw a mighty room
All filled with women and men;
And the papers they were signing said
They'd never fight again.
And when the papers were all signed
And a million copies made;
They all joined hands and bowed their heads
And grateful prayers were prayed.
And the people in the streets below
Were dancing round and round;
And guns and swords and uniforms
Were scattered on the ground.
Last night I had the strangest dream
I'd ever had before;
I dreamed the world had all agreed
To put an end to war.
(Ed McCurdy).
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NEW DRUG REVIEW:
Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love of Pharmaceutical Companies*
The Food and Drug Administration today approved the sale of the drug PharmAmorin, a prescription tablet developed by Pfizer to treat chronic distrust of large prescription-drug manufacturers.
Pfizer executives characterized the FDA's approval as a "godsend" for sufferers of independent-thinking-related mental-health disorders.
"Many individuals today lack the deep, abiding affection for drug makers that is found in healthy people such as myself," Pfizer CEO Hank McKinnell said. "These tragic disorders are reaching epidemic levels, and as a company dedicated to promoting the health, well-being, and long life of our company's public image, it was imperative that we did something to combat them."
Although many psychotropic drugs impart a generalized feeling of well-being, PharmAmorin is the first to induce and focus intense feelings of affection externally, toward for-profit drug makers. Pfizer representatives say that, if taken regularly, PharmAmorin can increase affection for and trust in its developers by as much as 96.5 percent.
"Out of a test group of 180, 172 study participants reported a dramatic rise in their passion for pharmaceutical companies," said Pfizer director of clinical research Suzanne Frost. "And 167 asked their doctors about a variety of prescription medications they had seen on TV."
Frost said a small percentage of test subjects showed an interest in becoming lobbyists for one of the top five pharmaceutical companies, and several browsed eBay for drug-company apparel.
PharmAmorin, available in 100-, 200-, and 400-mg tablets, is classified as a critical-thinking inhibitor, a family of drugs that holds great promise for the estimated 20 million Americans who suffer from Free-Thinking Disorder.
Pfizer will also promote PharmAmorin in an aggressive, $34.6 million print and televised ad campaign.
One TV ad, set to debut during next Sunday's 60 Minutes telecast, shows a woman relaxing in her living room and reading a newspaper headlined "Newest Drug Company Scandal Undermines Public Trust." The camera zooms into the tangled neural matter of her brain, revealing a sticky black substance and a purplish gas.
The narrator says, "She may show no symptoms, but in her brain, irrational fear and dislike of global pharmaceutical manufacturers is overwhelming her very peace of mind."
After a brief summary of PharmAmorin's benefits, the commercial concludes with the woman flying a kite across a sunny green meadow, the Pfizer headquarters gleaming in the background.
PharmAmorin is the first drug of its kind, but Pfizer will soon face competition from rival pharmaceutical giant Bristol-Myers Squibb. The company is developing its own pro-pharmaceutical company medication, Brismysquibicin, which will induce warm feelings not just for drug corporations in general, but solely for Bristol-Myers Squibb.
"A PharmAmorin user could find himself gravitating towards the products of a GlaxoSmithKline or Eli Lilly," BMS spokesman Andrew Fike said. "This could seriously impede the patient's prescription-drug-market acceptance, or worse, Pfizer's profits in the long run."
"Brismysquibicin will be cheaper to produce and therefore far more affordable to those on fixed incomes," Fike added.
The news of an affordable skepticism-inhibitor was welcomed by New York physician Christine Blake-Mann, who runs a free clinic in Spanish Harlem.
"A lot of my patients are very leery of the medical establishment," Blake-Mann said. "This will help them feel better about it, and save money at the same time."
PharmAmorin's side effects include nausea, upset stomach, and ignoring the side effects of prescription drug medication.
*Reprinted with permission of The Onion.
Copyright 2018, by Onion, Inc.
"Wonder Drug Inspires Deep, Unwavering Love of Pharmaceutical Companies," The Onion: Volume 42, Issue 10, March 6, 2006.
Happy April Fool's Day!
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